Dysfunctional Sue

... and I figured out a name for the book:

Dysfunctional Sue: Blog in a Book

Now I just need to come up with the cover art ...

I know, this is a strange post for the month of April. Oh well, I'm confidant that you'll get over it.

Okay, so sometimes I keep my brother "phone company" on his long drive to work. We always have some fascinating conversations that range anywhere between his son (my nephew) making statemtents like "Dada? You're the boss of mama, mama's the boss of me and I'm the boss of my sister", our dads personal problems, blonde jokes, jerk offs who are driving in the opposite direction than he who are trying to pass a big rig almost "head-onning" him, and whether or not we should tell our kids that Santa Claus isn't real. Is "head-onning" a word? I'm gonna chalk that one up in my own personal dictionary that I am writing.

This entry is about whether or not we should tell our children that Santa Claus is really real. It's my contention that we should tell our kids that Santa Claus is real because he is real. I've seen him. Heck, I've even kissed him! I've loved him, fought with him, coddled him, cuddled with him and bore one of his little Irish munchkins. What's the big deal? My munchkins know the reason for the season, but by doggone it, if I tell them that Santa isn't real, they're going to hate my freakin' guts when they get older! Yeah, you read that right. They're gonna hate my stinkin' guts if I tell them that Santa isn't real. Every adult wants their childhood memories to be that of Santa Claus, the Toothfairy and the Easter Bunny, even if they've stopped believing in them -- dang their hides for that! I mean, what adult wants to talk about their dysfunctional childhood in that "Duh, uh, nope! Never had a fairytale childhood! Mom and dad were as dysfunctional as they come!" I guess that would explain a few things.

My brother argues that they will hate you if you lie to them and tell them that there is a Santa, but it isn't a lie! Anyway, he claims that it's perfectly okay to tell them that there is no Santa and still allow them to help decorate the tree and buy and open presents wrapped in "Santa" wrapping. He says that after all, "Santa is an old drunk, hanging around a bunch of little elves, driving around behind a bunch of smelly animals, eats cookies all night long and climbs down chimneys that he 'magically' can't fit into". Hey, what's wrong with that? I love cookies and will do anything to get my grimies on them! Okay, so I don't like spiked egg nog, but hey, not everyone has my disdain for hard liquor. Shame on Santa for drunk driving? You'd drink too if you were holed up with a bunch of squeaky-chattery little people and a nagging wife and only got to get out once a year!!

Honestly. The poor guy gets farted on, griped at, nagged at and questioned all of the time. Wouldn't you take that once a year swig and get behind the reins, too? Yeah, I'd lay a bet that my brother would arrest Santa for drunk driving too, if he had half a chance, the humbug! So, my brother would tell his kids that Santa isn't real, when in fact, poor Santa is a prisoner, all so that our children can have a most wonderful and awesome Christmas every year. You know what? I'm going to call my brother back up when he gets off of work at 2 am. He's not going to get away with this!

Well, after blabbling all of that off to him and he blabbled (ooh, a new word for my dictionary) off all of his reasons, I then had to remind him of our own little childhood. Okay, yeah, so I agree with him: we were raised in a religious family where we weren't even allowed to have our own christmas tree, let alone believe in Santa. Well, guess what? I secretly believed in him, anyway. Not only that, Santa visited my grandparents' home every single year and always had stuff for us! There is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks that Santa isn't real! He always had the nicest wrapping paper, too. Yeah, those presents were wrapped real nice and pretty. A lot of TLC went into that!

I told my brother to take it up with grandma. Boy! If she ever heard him say that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, she would spank his big bad sergeant cop butt! Well, okay, I lied about that. She's not a violent person, never has been, but boy, she'd look at him over her glasses as though he'd lost his mind! He knows it, too. I told him to go have this conversation with grandma. I didn't just tell him to have the conversation with her, I dared him! I just wanted to see his atheistic ... oops! Did I say "atheist"? Yeah, can you believe that? An atheist keeping Santa in the closet! That's just like a christian keeping Jesus in the closet! How bizarro! Well, no matter, I suppose that an atheist can oppose Santa Claus as much as a christian can promote Santa Claus. There's no invisible law that says it can't happen.

So, guess what? His wife won't have any part of his anti-Santa rhetoric. You go, girl!

Me? I'm happy with telling them that Jesus is the reason for the season and that Santa brings the gifts. Ain't nuttin' wrong wid dat and they're gonna love me forever for it. It's a gut feeling.

I couldn't figure it out before, but I did, now! Thanks for the new and easy to get to feature, JJ.

Hey, I'm going to put out a new book, soon. Manuscript is finished, just need to get some pre-publish reviews.

Going to write up another manuscript for a book called "Dysfunctional Sue: Livin' Life Dysfunctionally" (or something like that) LOL

Hmm, wait a sec, perhaps I'll hold a vote on which of the below would suit a Dysfunctional Sue book the best, or, do you have any ideas of your own:

"Livin' Life Dysfunctionally"
"You Can Be Dysfunctional, Too"
"Dysfunctional Is As Dysfunctional Does"
"Dysfunctionally Speaking"
"Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe Dsyfunctionally"
"The Humor of Life"
"Laughin' with Life"
"Dysfunctionally Charged"
"Let's Get Dysfunctional"
"Prepared For Anything Dysfunctional"

Oh, these are just plain getting stupid! LOL

I do have something to report. Happened one minute ago. My 13 yr old told me that I need to go get her some hot cheetos because she's having "Hot Cheeto Withdrawals".

Yes folks, we have a winner!

Hello?
Hello?

Oh, it's been a while since I've made an entry and guess what? I have absolutely nothing funny to report. Nothing, nope, nada, zippo!

Okay, I promised the story about how I met hubs. Yes? It rambles in places, but here goes:

Sue is visiting her best friend, who lived in a very small neighborhood where everyone knew everyone.

Sue and best friend are visiting when there's a knock on the door. She opens it up and there he is, Mr. GQ and Mr. Sue's future.

He borrowed a tool and left.

Sue turned to her friend and said "Who in the world is THAT?! He is just too good lookin' to walk this earth!"

A few minutes later, another knock.

"Here's your tool, thank you"

"Whoa!" Sue said before he could turn and walk away "I have to tell you: you are just too good lookin' to be walkin' this earth!"

We've been together ever since.

"Possibilities"

This one is a real grosser outer.

Picture it:

So, I'm driving down the street with 8 and 13 yr olds and come to a stop light. As we're waiting, a thin pregnant girl is walking the cross walk, pushing a stroller. As she passes in front of us, her thumb went digging in her nose. It went from her nose immediately to her mouth, where her teeth were "cleaning" the underside of her nail.

Okay, my first reaction was to laugh and say "Ewww! Nasty!" with 8 yr old's confirmation. It was so surreally funny.

13 yr old, however, likes to argue things, and started in with all of her theories about how the lady had to clean her nail out somehow, even though there was a buggar on it. 13 yr old also said that maybe the pregnant lady was experiencing some kind of vitamin deficiency because of her pregnancy.

I asked 13 yr old why the argument, considering that the act itself was so gross.

13 yr old's reply?

"Just weighing the possibilities"

Why didn't I think of that?

Picture painted.

I was reminiscing about what my favorite songs were when I was a kid as I was listening to one of my all time favorites Snoopy vs. The Red Baron

Wow, what a cool memory. Since I have the song on CD, I can listen to it as much as I want.

My list is as follows, not in order:

1: Snoopy vs. The Red Baron

2: Puff the Magic Dragon

3: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy Down in My heart

4: Father Abraham

5: How Much is that Doggie in the Window?

Does anyone have any favorites from their childhood that they'd like to share?

One word: butt sniffers.

Okay, so I'm sitting in my livingroom with my door open, yelling at those butt sniffers to "Shut up or I'm gonna beat you". Talkin' 'bout beatin' 'em in the morning, beatin' 'em at night, beatin' 'em while they're eating and sleeping. Okay, I'm not talkin', I'm yellin' it to 'em. Okay, so I was bored and needed to entertain myself and my kids, as if I thought I was gonna impress them with all of my big bad butt beatin' ways.

Anyway, 8 year old comes in and says "Mom, some people just walked by here and was laughing at you"

Darn them butt sniffers!

I'm the one that everyone comes to for dinner. Ironically, I hate to cook worse than I hate washing dishes (I do them by hand; by choice). Go figure.

I WANT MY GRANDMA!